Konnikova Revision

Before:

Maintaining a meaningful relationship takes effort, communication, trust, and willingness to be vulnerable. It is important to make time for each other and engage in regular communication, whether it be through in person talk, phone calls, or text. Being a good listener and being willing to offer support and advice are also key to maintaining a meaningful relationship. Trust for me is the biggest factor as friends should always be able to rely on each other and share personal information without fear of judgment. If trust is disobeyed in a friendship it can absolutely destroy friendships. This relates to the essay not for the trust part but for the communication part, staying in touch with your friends and talking through phone everyday is also a vital part to maintaining a good friendship, the essay goes deep into talking about how friendships are built through communication and social media as that is the new way of connecting. If I was raised to virtual interactions rather than physical than my facial expressions and humor would be completely different as interacting with people by looking at their facial expressions you can learn a lot about a person just by their facial expressions. 

After:

Maintaining a meaningful relationship takes effort, communication, trust, and willingness too vulnerable. It is important to make time for each other and engage in regular communication, whether it be through person talk, phone calls, or text messages. Being a strong listener and being willing to offer support and advice are also key to maintaining a meaningful relationship. Personally, trust is the biggest factor that friends should always be able to rely on each other and share personal Information without fear of judgement. Trust can be the make or break in a relationship or friendship, it can ruin a relationship but it can also build relationships when you can trust someone. Furthermore, this relates to the essay not only for the part about trust but for the aspect of communication. Staying in touch with you friends and speaking though the phone everyday is a vital part in maintaining a great friendship or relationship. This essay goes deep into talking about how friendships are built through communication and social media as that is the new way of connecting. If I was raised to virtual interactions only rather than physical interactions, my facial expressions and humor would be completely different. You can learn a lot about a person through their body language and facial expressions. I like to use examples to basketball, if someone misses a shot in basketball most immature kids wave their arms in the air when they miss a shot and that is usually a sign that their carry their mistakes with them rather than just moving onto the next play, when someone stay poised and composed and does not show any antics they are usually the people that come up on top and win. You can connect this to life to always keep your head high and don’t let mistakes define the outcome of a game or anything.

In the bulk and beginning of the paragraph I only can a few words. I added a “furthermore” to sort of adda branch to the second part of the paragraph. I had a couple of run-on sentences, I made it easier to read. My word choice made it easier to figure what my point was. The biggest part I added and it affected the paragraph tremendously was the example I added at the end of the paragraph, although my example is hard to connect to social media the reader can understand the point I’m trying to make about body language. My word choice helped with the clarity the most and it allowed the reader to not think about the run-on sentences and grammar and really focus on the point trying to be made in the paragraph.